Share the Load: You do not need to hold everyone’s number. Rely on your existing friendships to hold the network together. The goal is simply to ensure everyone is on someone’s radar.

The Pitch: Keep it simple. You do not necessarily need to start asking for people’s phone numbers yourself, as that can sometimes feel inappropriate or intrusive. The real goal is to ensure those on the edges are reachable by someone. If you realise you do not have a specific person’s contact details, simply enquire quietly with a trusted mutual friend to ensure they do.

Respect Privacy (GDPR): Do not co-opt official church directories. Any contact details should be held organically through direct, personal consent.

Early warning signs: Notice if a friend starts attending a different service at church. Perhaps a less well attended or quieter service, where they may experience less pressure, scrutiny or rejection.

Watch for Volunteer Pattern changes: Another early warning sign may be that people change their volunteer pattern. Either abruptly stopping, though it is also common for people to start overcommitting to volunteer roles, in an effort to prove their commitment or fit it.

Watch for the Fade: Pay attention to who is missing. If a regular attender hasn’t been seen in three or four weeks, do not assume they are just busy.

Who is left alone: Notice if people are stood alone, particularly after the service during the coffee time. This can isolating experience.

Look Past the Official Narrative: Leadership may sometimes describe a person’s departure in ways that feel simpler or tidier than the person’s lived experience (e.g., a principled stand on a cultural issue) rather than the reality of how leadership or small groups are operating. Do not assume the stated reason is the full story.

Trust Your Instincts: If someone seems to be slipping away from the Church, they likely are. Make a note to check in or ask someone else to check in if more appropriate.

Respect Power and Gender Dynamics: I cannot stress this enough - If you are significantly older, a former leader, or of a different gender, pause before initiating one to one contact. Ask whether you are the right person to reach out, or whether a peer, someone of the same gender, or a designated safeguarding aware pastoral worker would be safer. Never use pastoral concern as a reason to cross boundaries that would look inappropriate to a neutral observer.

Decouple Friendship from Attendance: If it is right for you to meet, choose a public place like a café. Make it clear that you care about them as a person, not because of their involvement in church or any ministry.

Avoid the “Church Question”: Don’t ask, “Are you going to church anywhere?” or similar status checks.

Let Them Set the Pace: Offer to meet up in a low-pressure way and let them decide. Do not chase. If they want space, respect that.

Validate the Ambiguity: If they say they are confused or have concerns about the church they left, let them know that is normal. Some churches often treat normal questions as a problem. Reassure them that it is okay to feel unsettled and to take time to figure things out.

Safeguarding: If you are concerned about someone’s safety, or someone shares a safeguarding concern, please consider the notice at the top of the page.

Support for yourself: Be mindful that being a friend and providing informal support to a peer may be challenging. Ensure that you take care of your own emotional wellbeing, and have appropriate formal or informal support in place for yourself if needed.

Follow Their Lead: Never suggest someone leaves the church unprompted—this can accidentally signal that they are no longer welcome. Wait for them to express that the current environment is stifling.

Be a Safe Harbour: You do not need to be a leader, have all the answers, or fix their theology. You simply need to be a safe, listening ear. Checking on a friend is an act of basic Christian love, and you never need official permission to do it.

Maintain the Tie: If a friend decides to leave, reassure them that your friendship remains unchanged. A quick text every few weeks to say hello can completely shield them from the quiet isolation that often follows leaving a tightly structured church.

There is Safety in Numbers: If several of you decide to leave, it is perfectly okay to transition to a new church together. There can be a healthy precedent for small groups moving together to protect their shared history and friendships, provided this is done without pressure or demands that everyone decides the same way. This might be difficult politically of course, and remember, simply offering to visit a new church with just one other friend can make the daunting prospect of walking through unfamiliar doors much easier.